88 Things You Need to Know Before Attending a Wedding

There are many guides to wedding etiquette, but none that are written for wedding attendees and guests. As a recent newlywed, I got together with my husband and some of my soon-to-be married friends to compile this list of essentials that every person should know before attending a wedding.

Article by Monica O'Brien
Monica O'Brien’s Website

There are many guides to wedding etiquette, but none that are written for wedding attendees and guests. As a recent newlywed, I got together with my husband and some of my soon-to-be-married friends to compile this list of essentials that every person should review before attending a wedding.

Invitations

  1. Invitations are not like Evites - you can’t forward them to your friends. Covet your invite because you were chosen, not mass emailed to.
  2. The invitation tells you exactly how many people you can bring in addition to yourself, so pay attention!
  3. Your name “and family” means you and your kids/spouse.
  4. Your name “and guest” means you and ONE guest.
  5. Your name only means you are lucky to have gotten an invite to begin with.
  6. Don’t RSVP your children unless they are explicitly invited. Hire a sitter instead.
  7. Don’t assume you can bring your baby because the couple doesn’t have to buy a dinner plate. Some weddings are purposely designated adult only.
  8. You must always send an RSVP, even if you aren’t attending. RSVP’s are not just for affirmative responses, and if you don’t send an RSVP the bride and groom have no idea if you are going to just show up.
  9. When sending an RSVP, follow the bride and groom’s process. Don’t email them if they’ve included a response card in your invitation - it just adds extra stress for them to keep track of multiple communication channels.
  10. RSVP’s must be mailed ahead and reach their destination by the deadline. Having them postmarked by the deadline is not good enough.
  11. RSVP’s must actually give the correct number of attendees. Do your best to give an accurate figure at the time of RSVP.
  12. If your plans change before the RSVP date, let the bride and groom know ASAP.
  13. If your plans change after the RSVP date, you should give a gift equivalent to your original RSVP.
  14. Don’t ask your mutual friends if they’ve received an invite. Choosing who to invite to your wedding is a difficult task, and people get cut for cost reasons.
  15. If you do ask a mutual friend and they were not invited, you will put stress on the relationship between the bride/groom and the mutual friend. So just don’t ask.
  16. Invitation time is the best time to notify the bride and groom of any dietary restrictions you or your guests may have.
  17. Note that I wrote “dietary restrictions,” not “food preferences.” Don’t add extra tasks for the bride and groom unless necessary!

Gifts

  1. If you receive an invitation you must send a gift! Even if you don’t attend.
  2. If you can’t attend the wedding, you should send your gift before the wedding with a card expressing your regrets about not being able to attend.
  3. The gift should be worth at least the # of people you’ve RSVP’ed x the cost of one person’s plate for the reception.
  4. The exception to this is when a couple chooses *really expensive* plates.
  5. *Really expensive* depends on your geographical area, not your preferences. Nice try though.
  6. If you don’t know what a wedding plate costs, call the reception hall and investigate. This will at least get you in the ballpark.
  7. The gift should be monetary or come from the bride and groom’s registry.
  8. The wedding registry will not be listed in the invitation unless the couple is very tacky. You are supposed to call the maid-of-honor (MOH)/mother of the bride (MOB) to find out where the couple is registered.
  9. Anyone in the family or wedding party is appropriate if the MOH/MOB cannot be reached.
  10. Don’t get the couple something they didn’t ask for! It’s not clever and/or original, it’s annoying.
  11. Money should come in a wedding card.
  12. Gift cards are like throwing money away, so don’t give them.
  13. If you insist on giving a gift card it should come only from a store where the couple is registered.
  14. Don’t get the couple something they didn’t ask for! It’s not clever and/or original, it’s annoying.
  15. Gifts should be removed from the registry to avoid the headaches of double gifts. Ask for help from a store assistant if you are confused.
  16. Gifts should come wrapped in wedding paper with a wedding card.
  17. Don’t get the couple something they didn’t ask for! It’s not clever and/or original, it’s annoying.
  18. It’s nice to give the couple more than what covers your dinner plates, if you can and want to.

What to Wear

  1. Dress attire may be specified in the invitation. Pay attention and look at the details of the invite.
  2. The ceremony determines whether the wedding is daytime or evening, as receptions are usually in the evening.
  3. For men, daytime formal dress means a suit in neutral colors like black, brown, or gray.
  4. For men, daytime informal/semi-formal dress means a dress shirt and pants.
  5. For women, daytime formal dress means a cocktail dress.
  6. For women, daytime informal/semi-formal dress means a nice floral printed dress or a business suit.
  7. For men, evening formal dress means a tux. Preferably black, with a white shirt.
  8. For men, evening informal/semi-formal dress means a suit in neutral colors like black, brown, or gray.
  9. Betsey Johnson black metallic brocade cocktail dressFor women, evening formal dress means a formal gown or a cocktail dress.
  10. For women, evening informal/semi-formal dress means a cocktail dress. If in doubt, a little black Betsey Johnson dress works beautifully, or any solid colored dress in cool colors will do.
  11. Rules are meant to be broken, but do not step too far outside these guidelines unless it’s a themed wedding.
  12. In the case of a themed or destination wedding, all bets are off.
  13. If dress attire is not specified, you can take hints from the websites of the church and reception hall.
  14. Do not wear anything too revealing, particularly to the ceremony.
  15. If you are still unsure of how to dress, you can call the MOH/MOB to ask what is appropriate.
  16. For women, do not wear white! White is reserved for the bride, even if she doesn’t wear it.
  17. If purchasing your clothing in advance, consider the season.
  18. Try not to wear the same colors as the bridal party. You can find out the wedding colors in advance by speaking with the MOH/MOB.
  19. Consider your shoe choices carefully. Because you may be wearing these shoes for a good portion of the day as well as the night, choose something comfortable, yet stylish.
  20. Do not call your friends to see what they are wearing! Unless you know for a fact they were invited.

Before You Leave

  1. Make sure you have directions to both the wedding and reception sites.
  2. With any large gathering, parking can be an issue. Make sure you are clear on where to park, and consider carpooling if parking is limited.
  3. Check the weather and traffic patterns, and plan accordingly.
  4. If you are attending a religious ceremony, get a brief overview of how a traditional wedding plays out in that religion. This will help you to be a respectful guest at the reception, even if you do not share the same beliefs.
  5. If there is a gap between the wedding and reception, have a plan to occupy yourself and your guests.
  6. If you have dietary preferences, make sure you pack some snacks, just in case. Or have a plan to eat something before the reception.
  7. Perform a checklist before you leave: make sure you have directions, addresses, gifts, snacks, and an extra pair of shoes just in case.

At the Ceremony

  1. First and foremost: Turn your cell phone off!
  2. If you have any other devices that might make noise, turn those off too.
  3. Don’t even consider vibrate. Vibrate is for people who plan to leave the ceremony if they get an important call. And yes, everyone can still hear your phone vibrating, so don’t be one of those people!
  4. Arrive 30 minutes early.
  5. If you normally arrive late to events, arrive an hour early.
  6. If you arrive late to the ceremony despite careful planning, find an usher to seat you.
  7. If you can’t find an usher, sit in the first empty row from the front. Quietly.
  8. Be respectful of any religious customs you may see at the ceremony.
  9. If in doubt, follow the family’s lead for standing, sitting, kneeling, singing, and praying.
  10. Unless asked, do not take pictures at the ceremony. There may be rules against it, or it may ruin the ambiance of the ceremony.

At the Reception

  1. It is appropriate to speak to the bride and groom, but do not monopolize the their time. Unless it is a small wedding, they have a lot of people to thank throughout the night.
  2. One picture with the bride and groom is enough. Honestly. Most weddings will have a photographer who will take more than enough photos that you can purchase at a later date.
  3. Do not give your gift directly to the bride and groom.
  4. Most weddings will have a gift table where you can place your gift.
  5. If there is no gift table, politely ask a member of the family or bridal party where to put your gift.
  6. If you are worried that your gift will not reach the bride and groom, stop. You will know your gift made it when you receive their Thank You card.
  7. When the DJ announces the bride and groom doing any task (ie: cutting the cake, first dance, etc) it is appropriate to watch.
  8. Remember this is their day, not yours. Curb your Wedding Crashers urge to steal the spotlight.
  9. Only request a song from the DJ if he or she announces that you can. (The bride and groom may have pre-selected their playlist.)
  10. If the dinner is buffet, wait for the DJ to announce a second round. Same goes for getting a second piece of cake.
  11. Open bar does not mean you should get drunk. Please do not make the bride and groom regret inviting you to their wedding by making a scene.
  12. If you forgot to tell the bride and groom about your dietary restrictions with your RSVP, do not bring them up now. Go without eating or discuss the matter with the MOH/MOB in private to find a suitable solution.
  13. Don’t worry about saying goodbye to the bride and groom if they are busy when you leave. They understand and will appreciate your attendance.

After the Big Day

  1. Do not call the bride and groom for at least a month, unless you are family or a member of the bridal party. A new marriage requires a lot of transition, and that takes time past the honeymoon.
  2. Expect a Thank You card within 3 months of the wedding.
  3. If you don’t receive a Thank You card in this time period you should inquire about your gift. But always frame it as “Did you receive my gift?” and not as “I didn’t receive your Thank You card.”
  4. If you want to purchase pictures or a video, ask the MOB/MOH to notify you when they are available. But be prepared to wait, as these items take between 3 months and a year to become available!

Is there anything we left out or missed? Anything we got wrong? Leave your thoughts in the comments section!

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40 Comments

  1. Jennifer Robinson added some style on May 27, 2008 | Permalink

    Great article, Monica… thanks for sharing your link from your other site :)

  2. Melissa added some style on May 27, 2008 | Permalink

    I don’t know if you did this intentionally or not - but you put the same thing on there three times. I can see how the second time can be for emphasis but by the third time it’s just annoying.

    And just in case you’re wondering it’s “Don’t get the couple something they didn’t ask for! It’s not clever and/or original, it’s annoying.” Under gifts.

    Otherwise, good article.

  3. Jennifer added some style on May 27, 2008 | Permalink

    I have never heard of wedding gifts equalling the cost of your plate at the reception. There is really no way for a guest to know what the couple is spending on thir wedding nor should they try to find out. I know most couples spend a lot on their wedding and like to get a nice gift in return but the gift is really up to the giver. In addition, you do not invite people in order to get a gift, their presence is all that is required. Also, all attendees should receive a hand written thank you card whether they gave a gift or not.

  4. Larena added some style on May 27, 2008 | Permalink

    I like the list. But it all sounds quite stuck up.

  5. Bethany added some style on May 27, 2008 | Permalink

    I think three times is necessary for the original gift comment. Many of our guests stuck to the registry, some deviated in a pretty acceptable manner, but we received an atrocious candle holder. It was not cute, it was not useful, and their gift was promptly donated. It’s backfired thoughtfulness. And really that’s what the whole list is about. If you want to take the time to be a thoughtful guest, these tips are a good place to start.

  6. Monica O'Brien added some style on May 27, 2008 | Permalink

    Thank you for the comments. I didn’t intend for the article to sound pretentious, so that is good feedback for me as a writer. What I do think is that it’s difficult to write a how-to like this because nobody will agree on all the points. As Bethany said, I would consider this article a starting point, rather than an absolute end-all to wedding etiquette advice, because there will always be some exceptions!

    What I would also like to point out is that while nobody invites you to a wedding in order to get a gift, at weddings, “presence” usually isn’t present enough. This is something we’d all like to think because it makes us feel good that we are not materialistic. But expecting a gift from someone is not being materialistic when it comes to your wedding.

    Weddings are monumental, and if you care enough to invite someone to your own wedding it would be very hurtful if they chose not to give you a gift, or gave you a thoughtless one. That’s why I think it’s best to give people what they want for their wedding, as most people go up to their eyeballs in debt and actually need either the cash or the specific items on their registry. You are doing them a disservice by not supporting their gift preferences. What’s important is that someone took the time to follow etiquette guidelines and respect the married couple’s wishes, which is what makes the gift etiquette tips not about material posessions.

    One final thought: to write this article I spoke to many couples, drew on my own experiences, and also researched and double checked certain etiquette tips at popular wedding websites. I do feel this is a strong and accurate list of generally accepted practices for US weddings, so I hope everyone will enjoy having it as a reference as we enter wedding season.

  7. Ashley added some style on May 28, 2008 | Permalink

    I think some of the comments also rely on variables: you are going to have, particularly in the young 20-something set, where their registry will simply be for ideas. You will have couples who are marrying, but have a well stocked house already, and couples who are marrying and actually need the items.

    I actually showed this list to two of the brides whose weddings I’m attending this year, and they both were a bit appalled at the tone of the article, in addition to some of the comments. For them, while presents are nice, they aren’t going to begrudge a financially straddled friend who can’t afford a gift; because they believe their weddings are about celebrating the union with the people in their life they love, not expecting gifts over an X value.

    It’s because of the continual re-enforcement of such rules, that many people who aren’t financially free feel awkward, uncomfortable, scared, or confused about attending weddings. Because they can’t follow the prescribed “etiquette” they may pass up all together on the opportunity to share the love of two people they care about.

  8. Monica O'Brien added some style on May 28, 2008 | Permalink

    Ashley, I understand what you are saying.

    The reason the gift section is so long is because, aside from people who have true financial difficulties in purchasing a gift (which I don’t think is a huge population, if people plan in advance and save a dollar or two a day for a few months), many people are clueless about how to show appreciation for being invited to a wedding.

    Think about the people who can afford a gift and don’t give one. Or re-gift something they found in their basement rather than taking the time to look up a couple’s registry. Is that still okay, in the spirit of friendship? It happens a lot, surprisingly.

    I can’t speak for anyone else. But in my experience with my own wedding, I was shocked at some of the etiquette I saw in all these sections, not just the gift-giving section.

    I’m not trying to harp on people who literally cannot afford the cost of attending a wedding. That is why I see this list as a starting point - there will definitely be exceptions. What I am trying to harp on is that as a guest of a wedding, there are a lot of things you should be considering in terms of behavior and etiquette in order to add positively to the bride and groom’s experience.

    Thank you again to everyone for their comments and I appreciate the honesty of your feedback, because it makes me think harder about what I really meant here.

  9. Angie added some style on May 28, 2008 | Permalink

    Your whole gift section is greedy and non-sense! You should invite people you want there and care for regardless of their gift giving! Shame on you

  10. jen-ftpweddings added some style on May 29, 2008 | Permalink

    As co-owner of a wedding videography company, I’d like to offer an addition to the list.
    -The bride and groom have spent the money to hire a professional photographer and videographer, guests should allow them to do their job without fighting them for shots of events throughout the day. Stepping in front of the photographer or videographer with your consumer digital camera makes doing their job 10x’s harder.
    I cannot tell you how many times I’ve missed the bride walking down the aisle because of an overzealous relative with a camera.

  11. Gina added some style on May 29, 2008 | Permalink

    About gifts…If a guest travels to attend your wedding and must pay for travel and hotel accommodations, it is rude to expect a pricey gift as well. After all, isn’t them being there to share that day with you gift enough? Gifts are to be given because a guest wants to give it, not because it is etiquette.

  12. Ashley added some style on May 29, 2008 | Permalink

    I found this article tremendously helpful and informative in its bluntness. I’m a concise writer myself and I do not see the point padding an article about wedding etiquette with the usual wedding niceties. If there are bits individuals disagree with, I see no problem. Different areas around the country have different customs, and what is considered acceptable varies as well. However. That said, I’m planning my wedding currently and have several on my calendar. I will Never turn down sound advice on the attendance of or hosting duties involved with a wedding.

  13. Monica O'Brien added some style on May 29, 2008 | Permalink

    Jen, I definitely agree with you on that. Especially at the ceremony, guests should leave the photography and videography to the professionals. This is important for both religious reasons if the wedding takes place in a church and also because the bride and groom will want professional photos of the special moments during their wedding.

    Gina, I agree with that. I think destination weddings are a whole different ballpark, and I wrote this more with traditional weddings in mind. Destination weddings are usually much smaller and the cost of attendance is a lot more. Thanks for bringing this up.

    Ashley, thank you. I really didn’t intend to ruffle anyone’s feathers with this article. It is certainly written from my perspective, and I live in Chicago which is much different than many places in the United States.

    So I apologize to those I offended, and I appreciate your feedback.

  14. Hillary added some style on June 1, 2008 | Permalink

    I found the “Don’t call the couple for a month” thing absurd.

    Most weddings I attend are friends or family. Why would I just stop calling them for a month just because they’re married?

    Once they get back from their honeymoon and have a few days to themselves, they’re going to want to get back to their lives which includes their friends and families. I really doubt they’d like all their friends and family to stop calling them for a whole month!

  15. Jayme added some style on June 1, 2008 | Permalink

    I completely agree that the whole gift section comes across as greedy and with a sense of entitlement. I’ve only been to a few weddings, but my gifts have always been the “something borrowed” or a song, or something handmade. I also think its retarded to think that if someone invites me to a wedding that I dont’ plan to attend, that I’m actually going to send a gift. I attend all weddings of people who are important to me. If I don’t attend, I probably don’t like the person as much as they think I do. Therefore, I would not waste time and money to get them a gift.

  16. shelly added some style on June 2, 2008 | Permalink

    This just reminded me of an episode of sex and the city where an old friend of Carries got married and had kids and invited Carrie to a party where her 485 dollar shoes were stolen. Carrie expected her old friend to replace the shoes (which I kinda thought was silly, they shouldn’t have come off her feet in the first place) Anyway the whole thing at the end when Carrie starts talking to her self as she writes her article, she talks about how ppl who decide they want to be single don’t get that special wedding treatment and no one gives them gifts just for being single. I don’t think because a couple gets married and wants you to be there to witness it automatically obligates you to give a gift. especially not one that costs as much as your plate. who knows how freaking expensive that could get. not everyone important to the bride and groom can afford the things ppl will put on registries. my best friend is getting married on the 7th and i’m the MOH, I know the bride and groom do not expect people who aren’t showing up for the wedding to get them a gift. and I know they won’t be hurt when ppl who attened don’t bring gifts. they will just be happy to share that day with everyone they love. i think most of your article sounded stuck up and you come off as someone who comes from money so all your friends do and you just have a different way of doing things. which is fine if you are happy like that. but these aren’t rules for everyone and it isn’t tacky to list where you are registered on the invite. anyway, you started out good, then it got obvious that you were recalling things that pissed you off at your wedding… which i think is tacky to bitch about online

  17. Harper added some style on June 2, 2008 | Permalink

    I am getting married in 12 days. I found the gift giving section offensive as well, although I see that it wasn’t intended to be.

    I agree with the other posters, having friends and family celebrate their union is what matters. In place of a gift a card of congratulations would be a nice alternative, and only a few bucks. It is also a nice way for the couple to look back on their day and remember everyone who was there if they forgot to sign the guest book.

    While I would never say ‘no’ to presents, they are certainly NOT expected. In weddings that I was involved in, my gift was doing everything from making favors to stuffing envelopes along with watching the couples dogs while they vacationed. Be creative people, it doesn’t have to be a material gift!!

  18. Monica O'Brien added some style on June 3, 2008 | Permalink

    What’s ironic about some of the comments is that if someone doesn’t agree with something I wrote, they have an example of when they did not follow that bullet point. Instead of questioning whether they are not practicing good etiquette, as suggested by numerous online sources, they reject all these tips.

    Also, it’s fine to not agree with certain points. But there’s no reason to personally attack someone you don’t know over the internet. If you don’t like the article, why would you continue to visit this site and contribute to the conversation?

    Please feel free to continue leaving comments, but I won’t be responding to any comments that fall into the two categories above, as this is response enough.

  19. lindsey added some style on June 4, 2008 | Permalink

    I LOVE IT!!!

  20. Tim added some style on June 5, 2008 | Permalink

    This list is horrendous. You act as if you are doing your guests a favor by inviting them. No, they are doing you a favor by even showing up. If you don’t want the added stress of extra e-mails, not getting the “perfect” gift, or not getting gifts at all, just go elope and forget the wedding!

    I can honestly tell you from a male perspective, probably 30% of the people going to your wedding probably don’t even want to be there, but you want them to succumb to your every whim? Get over yourself.

  21. Monica O'Brien added some style on June 5, 2008 | Permalink

    Lindsey, thanks!

    Tim, your male perspective is hilarious, and you are probably right that men don’t want to be at some weddings. Thanks for reading the entire article even if you aren’t a fan of weddings!

  22. Emily added some style on June 5, 2008 | Permalink

    Some of these comments are really rude and not at all constructive. I don’t think the author wrote this list to please each of you personally. Obviously I can’t claim to agree with it 100% but sometimes it’s good to know how other people are thinking. Overall, I enjoyed reading it and learned a bit as well. =)

  23. Martin added some style on June 6, 2008 | Permalink

    Thanks for the article, Monica, I found it via Stumbleupon. My fiancee and I will be married in the fall and it almost seems like this article is something that we would have written (especially the part about the RSVPs, argh!)

    Our number one reason for inviting people to our wedding is to share our day with them, not because we expect lavish gifts. Sadly not everyone does the same. Either way, receiving a gift from your registry rather than something random and unneeded is preferred.

    For those who have taken issue with this article, perhaps it was written with guests like you in mind?

  24. Missy added some style on June 6, 2008 | Permalink

    i love it love it love it! I am a wedding musician so I have been to a lot of weddings. Every time I see something I hate, or notice from guests, I lean over to my friend and I say “not at my wedding”. I HATE it when people take pictures at the ceremony with their shitty cameras. Its like come on, there is a photographer for a reason people, and this one time, the MOB brought a freaking disposable camera and was winding it. It was so loud!!! Ah i hate people with no wedding etiquette.

  25. Justin-YGG added some style on June 7, 2008 | Permalink

    Great List! Gave me a great refresher on some of the finer points as I have a good friends wedding to go to this summer.

    I will be definately refferring back to this list!

  26. Theo added some style on June 8, 2008 | Permalink

    As an experienced wedding photographer and part-time planner, I’d like to tell you that your list is great. I have seen too many clueless guests flaw an otherwise perfect wedding.

  27. Amber added some style on June 9, 2008 | Permalink

    I’m from Chicago as well, and I didn’t think your article was rude in the slightest. I imagine the people who are getting most upset about your direct and honest manner are the ones who don’t even send a congratulatory card (without money). The only thing I think may be a little off is number one under gifts. Perhaps a gift itself is not necessary, but acknowledgment of the occasion and congratulations are certainly in order.

  28. Mardi added some style on June 11, 2008 | Permalink

    Angie is wrong. Gifts are part of getting married, and there is an etiquette to them, just like everything else surrounding a wedding.

    Kudos to you for putting together a comprehensive set of rules and guidelines for guests! Thoroughly enjoyed it. I wish I could share this with some of my guests who chose to ignore the “rules.” (There are people who CAME to the wedding who never sent a gift - not to mention those who DIDN’T come to the wedding and didn’t send a gift.)

    Anyway, thanks. :-)

  29. Mardi added some style on June 11, 2008 | Permalink

    Oh man, I didn’t even read the rest of these comments before replying. Tim seems really upset! People sometimes, huh?

    It is true that the wedding day is a day for the bride and groom ONLY. If guests don’t want to be there, they don’t have to come. But to be invited is an honor, particularly given the cost of a wedding. If the guests do come, they should follow the proper etiquette and respect the bride and groom’s wishes wholly.

    Again, I have been married in the past year and agreed with every single one of these points. Etiquette is etiquette, and those who do NOT follow it are rude. The etiquette itself is not rude, regardless of some people’s perception.

    Truly good job, Monica.

  30. Emma added some style on June 11, 2008 | Permalink

    Like many others, I do not feel that guests should be obligated to pay for the wedding with their gifts. Gifts should be within the budget of the attendees, not within the budget of the bride and groom.

    Also, I would have been so sad if people hadn’t talked to me for a month after my wedding! I wouldn’t have understood why all my friends and family suddenly ignored me.

    Other than that, I greatly enjoyed the article.

  31. Grace added some style on June 12, 2008 | Permalink

    Thanks for this article.

  32. Erin added some style on June 13, 2008 | Permalink

    I have to say, thank you for writing this article! I feel that, if someone has not actually experienced a wedding from the bride’s/groom’s perspective, then they really don’t understand how all of those etiquette rules matter. I don’t feel that you sounded stuck up or pretentious at all. Those who were offended by any part of it are probably those people who break the etiquette rules themselves anyway!

    I am getting married on June 21 (one week away!), and I must tell you, I wish I could forward this list to so many people…especially my grandmother! She really thinks that SHE is following etiquette rules, when in reality, she is only looking at my wedding from HER perspective and going by the etiquette rules from when she was married 50 years ago. I’m sorry, but times have changed!!

    One thing I would like to see added to this list is etiquette regarding out-of-town guests attending the rehearsal dinner. In my opinion, the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner should only be attended by people directly involved in the wedding, IMMEDIATE family members, and their significant others. My grandmother, on the other hand, feels that anyone who travels from out-of-town deserves to be included in the rehearsal dinner. To do what? Rehearse how to eat?! About 75% of the people attending my wedding are traveling from far away to be a part of it, and I would love to include them in the dinner. But realistically, there is no way we could afford to feed all of them at the rehearsal on top of what we’re already spending on the wedding itself. I think most younger people, especially those who have experienced a wedding as a bride or groom, understand this point. But, it seems as though the older generation wants it down how it was done way back when!

    My solution to this problem is to make it clear to your guests who exactly is invited to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Then, invite people who may be interested in seeing the bride and groom that night to meet out for drinks at a local restaurant or bar later on. I think that most people understand that the bride and groom are already going to be pulled in a million directions during their wedding weekend, so they will try to be respectful of that. But a “gentle hint” to your guests won’t hurt!

    Remember that this is YOUR day, not your mom’s, your grandma’s, etc. I understand that you will feel like you have to oblige everyone’s requests, but it’s just not feasible. As “tacky” as this may sound, the only people’s opinions who I feel really matter are those who are contributing financially to the wedding. So if you’re not paying, then keep your opinions to yourself!!

    Ok, I’m off my soapbox now. Whew! That feels better!!! :)

  33. Ibrahim added some style on June 17, 2008 | Permalink

    Love the list, makes things clear. Thanks!

  34. Wes added some style on June 27, 2008 | Permalink

    I loved this list and wish every wedding attendee would read it. I am a future groom.

  35. Jay added some style on June 28, 2008 | Permalink

    My fiancee and I found your gift-giving section so offensive that it has inspired us to insert explicit directions within our invitation that we do not expect or want gifts; the gift is the person’s presence at the wedding. We are inviting 150 people, and feel this is the right thing to do. We already have plenty, and getting gifts would just be greedy.

  36. Jay added some style on June 30, 2008 | Permalink

    Note to Erin: Times have not changed. I have been an out-of-town guest at 10 or so weddings in the last 5 years; NEVER have I failed to be invited to the rehearsal dinner regardless of whether I was in the wedding party or not. You are wrong, the standard has not changed.

  37. Anna added some style on July 8, 2008 | Permalink

    Regarding the Sex and the City anecdote:
    Carrie expected her old friend to replace the shoes (which I kinda thought was silly, they shouldn’t have come off her feet in the first place)

    Carrie didn’t choose to take her shoes off. The hostess made everyone take off their shoes at the door because she was fearful of her guests bringing dirt into her home and harming her baby with it.

  38. Suzanne added some style on July 11, 2008 | Permalink

    The couple doesn’t need to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner–I understand that would be cost-prohibitive–but it would be considerate of them to provide ideas for ways their out-of-town guests, who have spent a significant amount of money just to get to the wedding (plus hotel, rental car, and gift costs), to spend the evening. Suggest area restaurants and events your friends/family might enjoy. I spent close to $700 to attend a wedding in Minneapolis last year and was miffed that the couple didn’t invite me (I’m family) and didn’t give any ideas for how to spend the evening in a city I’d never visited.

  39. Sibyl added some style on July 13, 2008 | Permalink

    Who wrote this a bridezilla? Honey, if its all about the money and gifts, then don’t invite people to your wedding. A wedding is about sharing and celebrating your love with the people who mean the most to you. Glad to see the people you care about only mean as much as the $$ they give you. This article is extremely offensive - and I was a bride recently!

  40. Lisa Baxter added some style on July 26, 2008 | Permalink

    I found myself breezing through the web and in an anxious state this evening. You see, my fiance`’s sister is getting married this coming Saturday and “what am I going to wear?” has been on the forefront of my list of priorities. I found your article to be both funny and informative. I have been a bride previously and have also attended many weddings, both as a guest and as a wedding party participant. The section in your article where you addressed appropriate dress for type/time of wedding was great but did not help me in my quest for information. The wedding that I am invited to is being held at a golf club and the ceremony is at 3:pm with the reception to follow later at 5:pm. Now, do I wear a floral/print at the ceremony and a cocktail dress in the evening?[if so,just in case, I bought two dresses(1 print & 1 black)and black patent leather sling-back plat-form pumps, w/6 inch heel and they look awesome with either dress.] Or, to play it safe , wear the little black dress to the ceremony and the reception?[it is here that I must add, the black dress is merrino wool and linen and the style is reminicent of Jacklyn Kennedy - O'Nassis. ie. very tailored, sleeveless, barely above the knee, lined with silk,very fitted,shoulders and neck are fully exposed.] To break up all the black linen I was considering wearing a wide black patent belt up and under my bust line as I have a long torso, small waist and a curvy booty,finishing it all up with the sling-back pumps. Black pearls ,ear/neck. Diamond tennis bracelette.And purse…Black patent clutch? I tell you in detail as my in-laws have never accepted me and to dress ‘wrong’ is another thing they would beat me over the head with!Please help me!? thanks, Lisa

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